Waku Waku 7

The Characters:

     The best part of the game. Although some of the moves are copied off of other fighting games, the gameplay mechanics of every fighter are completely unique. Not to mention that they were all designed by a psychotic Japanese manga artist who was drunk off his ass the entire time. And did I mention that every single character, except for Bonus Kun, Maururun, and Tessie, has homosexual tendencies?

   Rai

     The main character. "Electroconvulsive Naughty Boy". His special attacks, almost all of which electrocute the opponent, are almost exactly the same as those of Terry Bogard. It's fun hearing him yell nonsensical SNKglish phrases ("Like so, like so!"), but he looks, acts, and screams like a total wuss.

     After playing as him for a while, though, you'll notice that he's actually very different from Terry. Pressing both kick buttons and then up causes him to jump about five times higher than any other character. Also, he has tons of attacks he can use when he's running. This makes him to be a very interesting character: when you choose him, you'll be running all over the place rather than be fighting in close quarters. Also, the more you play as him, the more you'll realize how crappy his English really is. "Year?" What the hell does he mean by "year"?

   Arina

     The only non-robotic female character. And not only is she a "Blazing Tomboy Girl," she's a furry too. Just great. As far as I can tell, the ears are completely useless. She plays a little like Ryu, only her non-ES Hadouken clone has to be charged and can be shot at an angle, and she has a huge 26-hit Doki Doki combo. Of course, 1337nUrSeNaNaKo696969@aol.com and some of his 1337 h4xOrZ friends thinks she's hot, but they're the kind of people that buy Agent Aika DVDs solely for the panty shots.

   Slash

     The only character that looks like he's supposed to be even remotely serious. It turns out that he's more confusing than serious, though. Between his elfish visage, colorful flashing sword, and purple robe, I can't even tell if he's a character from the Zelda series, or just a pervert that likes wandering alone at night. Knowing Japan, it's probably the latter. Slash has the ability to teleport a short distance in any direction by pressing back, down, down-back and then any attack button (the button pressed determines where he'll teleport). Unless you really know what you're doing, you'll teleport into more attacks than you will out of them, but it's still fun to do in two-player mode to piss off someone trying to fight up close.

   Tessie

     A robotic maid. Tessie herself isn't all that weird, but whoever made her probably is. She's got some of the craziest looking attacks in the game: besides the ability to attack with standard maid equipment (brooms, floor buffers, cacti, syringes, etc.) she's loaded with bombs, some sort of Bullet-Bill-esque cannon, and antennae on her head she can use for electric attacks.

   Politank Z

     The best non-boss character in the game. In a nutshell, a midget police chief riding a huge mech. And he's got a dog he dressed up in a police outfit to do manual labor for him, too. His Hara Hara takes the longest of any character - about 7 full seconds to perform, enough for any character to get up from an attack, run across the arena and hit him to stop it - but when it's pulled off, it's impossible to avoid (unless his opponent is Rai). Trying to do the attack is extremely frustrating: it consists of the chief yelling out something in Japanese, the dog blowing a bugle, the mech's entire upper torso raising up to reveal a bomb and a ramp toward the ground, and the mech's arms rolling the bomb toward the ground. Once it hits the ground, though, the fun begins; the bomb creates a series of explosions going across the arena, and if any hit, it takes off around 80% of the opponent's total life. But enough about that attack, here's the real reason why everyone loves Politank Z:

   Dandy-J

     I don't know what the hell he's supposed to be. On one hand, he's got the whole Indiana Jones thing going on: treasure hunter, whip, stupid looking hat; but on the other, his name is Dandy-J, his whip is elastic, and he's a bodybuilder, making him more like a male stripper. The J probably stands for Joy, after the Bubblegum Crisis J-Pop song, Mr. Dandy ("Hey, Mr. Dandy! Hey, Mr. Joy!" I'll never understand '80s music), but knowing Japanese naming logic, it could just as easily refer to Jaleco Beer Party.

   Maururun

     Generic "slow but strong" character. Only rather than being a fat guy, a Russian, or both, Maururun is a big purple bear/dog/rabbit who looks like he was taken out of My Neigbor Totoro. He has the cheapest Hara Hara in the game (hardly any charge time, almost impossible to avoid, knocks down 99% of the time, and can be followed quickly by another so the opponent will be hit immediately after he gets up). He's so cheap in fact, he's actually easier as the 5th opponent in story mode than he is as the first.

   Bonus Kun

     A Ryu clone, if Ryu was a punching bag. All of Bonus Kun's attacks (except for his Hara Hara and Doki Doki) are taken from Ryu and Ken in Street Fighter Alpha, and then modified so that they can be performed without the use of limbs. Very interesting when it comes to uppercuts and hurricane kicks, although the best attack is the self-propelled rocket launcher Hara Hara.

   Fernandeath

     A Japanese man's futile attempt at an English pun turned into the coolest fighting game boss ever. He's not Hispanic, which puts him in the same category of improperly named video game characters as Sephiroth and Sodom (well, maybe not Sodom). Fernandeath is as cheap as any last boss of an SNK game, but he's not frustrating. Even if you ignore the fact that his AI is about as stupid as his name, his special attacks, which include Extra Large Rolling Death and the dreaded Double Testicular Stomp (No, I didn't just make that last one up. And no, it's not what you think) are worth watching more than once.

     After writing this far, I realize that this entire article is pointless. Every second you read this could have been better spent playing Waku Waku 7. Do yourself a favor and play it. You'll be wishing Sunsoft made a sequel in less than an hour, I promise.