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The Pain!!!

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     Some video games hurt. A lot. I'm not thinking about those "load 'em up with violence to copy the success of Mortal Kombat even though Mortal Kombat didn't really have all that good gameplay anyway" kind of games. The piles of crap that are Primal Rage and Time Killers caused pain, but not in the kind of way I'm talking about. No, rather this article is dedicated anyone who has ever played a video game and said to themselves, "Wholly crap, that guy's gonna hurt when he wakes up. Well, at least he will if he can still feel below his neck."

Bomberman (Pain Ratio 75%)

     Very few characters have gone through as much pain as Bomberman has. In each game he's made, he's been blown up by hundreds of thousands of fans. Those sadistic bastards at Hudson must really enjoy watching his insides get blown out to keep churning out so many sequels. And I, for one, would like to congratulate them for it.


Chu Chu Rocket (Pain Ratio 50%)

     Not very much violence in the game itself, but take a close look at this screen from the commercial. Normally, I'd say it was cruelty to animals, but neko wa kawoi!!! Tsubabababa!!!

Chu Chu Rocket: rocket wa sugoi!

Galaxy Fight (Pain Ratio 100%)

     This game wasn't very good, but it was important for two reasons. First and foremost, it was the prequel to Waku Waku 7, which is by far the best fighting game to ever pit a homosexual midget cop riding in a mech and his loyal canine companion against a satanically evil Mexican demon from the astral plane who oddly resembles something out of the Kirby's Dreamland series. Also, it wrote the book on painful attacks. I don't think I have to say any more, just look at these screens.

Most people don't see the violence in this game. They're either too busy looking at that flashy pink jacket, or......Juri's ass. Which reminds me: stop it.

Garou: Mark of the Wolves (Pain Ratio 55%)

     In addition to pretty much all of Tizoc's throws and Gato's neck-crackin' Potential Power attack, Freeman's stab in the back makes this game's ratio above average. Terry Bogard sez: "All aboard the pain train!"*

And yet, it does less damage than a stick swung by a 7-year-old. Go figure.

*Sorry about that, I just finished watching a repeat of that Seinfeld episode. I mean, I'm really, really sorry.

Ghosts 'N Goblins (Pain Ratio 30%)

     Now, if having a picnic with your girlfriend in a graveyard, in the middle of the night, wearing nothing but your boxer shorts sounds like a bad idea, that's because it is. Especially if that graveyard is crawling with the undead. Full of old skool goodness, especially if you replace the word goodness with the words "mind-boggling hardness". Probably more painfully hard to the player than it is to Arthur while he magically discintegrates into a skeleton.

If there's one thing we've learned from Sean Connery movies, it's that Arthur's wife wasn't exactly loyal. Now we know why.

Half-Life (Pain Ratio 80%)

     Headcrab eats scientist brain, turns scientist into zombie. Zombie blown up by satchel charge, courtesy Gordon Freeman. Bullsquid eats Gordon Freeman. Circle of Life continues.

Pokémon (Pain Ratio 15%)

     Obviously, there's the pain of seeing merchandise everywhere you go, but when you consider the fact that the game is just a cock fight simulation with obnoxiously cute anime critters in place of rabid Tijuana chickens, it makes you stop paying attention to how crappy the TV show and cereals are to feel sorry for the little guys. Well, almost.

Puyo Puyo (Pain Ratio 30%)

     Puyo Puyo has pain in it? Of course! From Mini Zombie's eye falling out to these sick little before and after pictures, it becomes obvious that a Puyo Puyo tournament is some sort of brutal gladiator-like fight to the death. And we all thought it was cute.

You like seafood?

The Street Fighter Series (Pain Ratio 20%)

     Attacks in the Street Fighter series aren't really painful, just flashy. I do start to ache just looking at Dhaslim kick, though.

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